Astri's Arse-Ups Article: The Balaur Who Shagged Me - AionSource.com

Greetings all~

Well now this isn’t what you’d call your average news post, but it sure made me giggle. Posted Image

To take a break from the standard Aion news, a freelance MMO writer who goes by the name of Astri has kindly offered to write a column of sorts exclusively for Aion Source, all for the love of Aion. This is the first in a series of articles dubbed as “Astri’s Arse-Ups”, which we’re told will range from the serious to the outrageous.

I think it's great to see folks in the community getting amongst it and submitting their creations. If you too fancy yourself an Aion writer, feel free to get in touch with me. In the meantime, I can't wait to see what Astri comes up with next week!

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The Balaur Who Shagged Me
Written by: Astri, 18 June 2010

I wasn’t going to cast this story into the public arena, but for some reason I feel a moral obligation to share this gruesome and unsettling tale with my fellow Daeva. For no other reason than to share in my anguish and prepare yourselves for the same possible torment, I urge you to read onward no matter how difficult it may become. The truth must be told!

Now I’m nobody of consequence in the realms of Atreia, although being a reporter I’m always on the lookout for a good story. Sure, I can scatter the enemy as well as the next Daeva, but I’d hardly stand out in a crowd, which suits my line of work just fine.

Even so, I get up to my fair share of mischief with the ladies of Pandaemonium, so I’d like to think I have an open mind when it comes to matters of the heart. But…there is no amount of therapy that will heal the mental scarring inflicted by this encounter. Thank Aion, I had my camera with me or I’m fairly sure I’d be written off as a lunatic.

It all started when I was strolling through the woods one fine and sunny day in Asmodae, enjoying the tranquil scenery and perfect peacefulness…

Ok fine it was gloomy, ominous and overrun with sparkie’s, but at least it wasn’t the stinking swamps of Elysea. Also, I wasn’t walking so much as running for my life from a throng of enemies who were under the mistaken impression that my face was a delicacy. It was either too much Fear Shriek or not enough, I can never tell. Anyway, I digress.

As I made my way through the delightful weather, at whatever speed, I finally encountered a foe worthy of my time. A Balaur stood alone and seemingly lost, with that dim-witted “I’m waiting for my next thought” expression they always seem to wear. He hadn’t noticed me yet so, having shaken off my pursuers, I quickly gathered my wits and prepared to strike. I knew it would take all my strength and concentration to tackle this bad boy, but the possibility of a hefty reward drove me on. I was sure to get fifty, even sixty Kinah for this! I couldn’t believe my luck.

Less than a heartbeat before I launched my attack, to my surprise I watched as a clueless blonde Daeva skipped toward the creature, singing an off-color song usually reserved for drunks in the Apellbine tavern. Clearly she’d spent the afternoon in merriment and had a little more sandblossom wine than was good for her. I froze and watched in horror as she crashed right into the scaly beast and almost knocked him over.

Deciding there wasn’t much I could do, I opted to hang back and see how it went, maybe killstea-…err...help her if needed. She straightened up and stared at the Balaur like a gormless schoolgirl then, of all things, bowed on one knee to offer him flowers! I couldn’t believe my eyes. I’ve had some merry moments in my life after a brandy or two, and let’s face it the stuff at the Apellbine could probably melt orichalcum, but the girl was clearly out of her gourd.

Too much time in the abyss, I thought to myself. Whatever it was, she was about to be lizard food so I dug in behind an outcrop and watched in anticipation.

To my dismay and horror, instead of pulling her head off and chewing on her neck, the scaly moron seemed to go starry eyed and I swear he started purring! I don't know if you've ever heard a Tayga purring while an earth spirit whips it with a branch, but that's what it sounded like. Moments later, I stopped yakking up my lunch in time to see their first kiss.

After the shock wore off I took to the sky and flew as fast as I could away from the awful scene. Over the next month I exhausted almost my entire fortune in Kinah on Shugo shrinks around the countryside, in a meagre attempt to erase the whole thing. According to the Shugo’s I’m “Nyerked in the head”, which I’m fairly sure isn’t a compliment. What a myriad uses those Shugo have for the word nyerk, I can never tell what they mean.

As I left my last session, followed by the standard Shugo farewell “'Nyerk off until you have more nyerking money”, I finally felt as though I was making progress. The shrink had assured me that the gods were soon to open a doorway to a second frontier, providing all new entertaining ways to chop the heads off these vile creatures.

Just as it seemed the balance of my fragile world was restored, what should I stumble upon? The loathsome couple getting hitched outside the Quickie-Chapel!

What the hell! I mean seriously! Okay, everyone goes through a phase in their life where they experiment behind the potions shed, but this is the modern day! How is she allowed to marry that thing? It's not Daeva! It doesn't even have wings! Nice dress though, the color really brought out her eyes.

Shortly afterwards, I stormed the Shugo health center and declared an emergency. After being rudely hustled into one of the patient rooms, a Shugo-shrink helped himself to the rest of my Kinah and kindly advised me to “Nyerk off”. Assuming he meant I should take a holiday, I rushed out to booked a relaxing week in a little spa resort in Brusthonin. If you don't mind the Undead and the killer trees, it's quite a nice place. The sparkly trees and blue sunsets aren’t bad. Besides, where else is there to go?

I did consider paying a visit to Elysea since Rift Holidays were offering a package deal, but I decided against it since I was low on funds. After all, I was run out of town after my last visit so it didn’t seem like it would be the kind of relaxing holiday my shrink had vaguely implied. No, I decided I needed to go somewhere far from the bustle of Daeva life, somewhere I could take in the scenery and rest my tired feathers.

Anyway where was I…?

Oh yes! The resort was exceedingly busy. It took me a full hour just to get checked in and have the desk clerk find me a key to my room. He seemed to be overly troubled by a sudden flood of couples who had arrived at the resort for the weekend. I overheard him mumble something about the establishment’s management. Apparently they had advertised a two-for-one special and failed to predict how popular it would be. Hell, if I’d known about the deal I would have lured a lady of questionable reputation to accompany me.

But no sooner did the thought of romance cross my mind, it left abruptly after I reached my room. I can only assume the clerk gave me the wrong room key, because I opened the door to see the revolting couple in action! Amidst candle light and scented pillows, there they were going at it like Larail! Sweet Aion, imagine the offspring! How is it even physically possible! Wait... maybe that’s how Uncle Travis came to be...I always wondered where he got his horns from.

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